Log in

No account? Create an account

(no subject)

Jan. 30th, 2011 | 02:08 am

The death of a fictional character should not affect me this much.

All the same, I'm like to spend the rest of the weekend in tears.

I miss my Dad.

Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share

Can't sleep and don't want to return to work tomorrow

Jan. 2nd, 2011 | 11:39 pm

So what better time for the Icon Meme??Collapse )

In other news, I've had a week and a half of vacation and now I need a damned break. I swear I haven't had time off in almost a month, because even when I'm not at work I'm doing eighteen thousand things all the time. I need a day to veg soon.

Link | Leave a comment {2} | Share

Back from the dead?

Dec. 29th, 2010 | 11:24 am

Oh, hi. There you are.

'Cause clearly, you all have been the ones hiding. Not me.

Things in my life are...things. I suppose. Some are good, some are bad--just life. I'm happy, at least, and that's what matters. Things aren't perfect, and some of the big positives that others see are negatives in my mind, but for now, I'm okay.

tl;dr thingsCollapse )

Link | Leave a comment {4} | Share

(no subject)

Jul. 29th, 2010 | 05:15 pm

So it's not like I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I took this job. I don't like hospitals. I especially don't like the parts of hospitals that are underground. And I especially especially don't like the parts of the hospital that are underground and up the hall from the morgue.

Yet I took a job in all three.

I was doing so well, being careful and trying to shut down some of those bits at work, but they finally found me today. Turned to see one sitting my office chair! In my chair! While I was breaking up boxes for all the textbooks I just received.

And they're hard to feel coming, too. Highly trained combat veterans who are supposed to be unseen. They get even better at it once they do.

I don't begrudge my gifts or my senses sometimes. But it would be nice to not be the target. I get that the vets aren't used to someone being near them who can actually tell, so they all want attention. But it's hard to handle sometimes--I get memories I never wanted and can't process. I've done enough terrible in my life, and I'm no Sin-Eater. Please, dead people, keep it to yourselves.

Fucking dead veterans. Knew this was coming.

Link | Leave a comment {3} | Share

overdue post

May. 29th, 2010 | 11:54 pm


You know that saying, the more things change, the more they stay the same?

Fuck. That. Shit.

Everything has been changing in my life lately, and none of it for the worse. 2 months with the most wonderful man I know, and who I've fallen deeply head-over-heels for, which is the weirdest feeling in the entire world, let me tell you. I've never felt this way about anyone, and I genuinely feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him.

I'm starting my new job with the VA on June 7. I'm taking over the online learning management position, and I'm responsible for all new employee orientations. I even have to teach classes when the instructors don't show up. I'm working with the current holder of the position until July 2, when he retires, so I don't have much training time (especially when you consider that I have to go spend a week in Oklahoma for a class--because apparently I'm being punished), but I think I'll do just fine. And, after a year's time, I'm going to be making more money than I even know what to do with. SO WEIRD.

I am free of Panera Bread--forever, if I have my way. I will never step foot into another one if I can. I have been since April 11, and it feels amazing. That said, I cannot wait until I start this job. Not just so I'm making paychecks again, but so that I'll have something to do! It's so BORING not working.

I'm moving to Asheville (hopefully) July 30, and I love it there. It's the most amazing town. It's like Newford, almost. I can't even describe why I love it so much. It feels like Chapel Hill/Carrboro did--like Home.

After I get enough of my debt squared off, I'm going to start searching for a therapist. I've realized that I am not capable of dealing with all of my issues on my own, and I am tired of breaking down into crying fits at random moments and being unable to accept any positive things in my life. I never think I deserve anything, I can't deal with anything good happening to me, and it's driving me and everyone else crazy. I need help, and I'm seeking it out.

I think I'm on the road to being an actual human being for the first time in my life, and it's terrifying. But I've never felt happier.

Sure, I'm stressed beyond belief, frustrated, and generally a pain in the ass. But I'm working on it. I'm getting better. And I'm happy.

Hooray for change!

Link | Leave a comment {7} | Share

(no subject)

Apr. 24th, 2010 | 02:04 am

It's one month today (Saturday).

I said the three words I never thought I'd say Thursday night.

What the fuck is happening?

*I owe a ton of you some e-mail, chat & RP time, and I promise I'm going to get around to that, but things are a bit crazy in my life right now and I'm taking advantage of what I think may be a major constant in my life*

Link | | Share

A Eulogy to Alexander McQueen, Madonna-style.

Feb. 11th, 2010 | 05:17 pm

This entry is long, potentially boring, and contains a good history of my abuse in detail. Read on if you wish.Collapse )

Today, on my way home from work, I purchased a sketchbook and supplies. The Queen is dead. Long live the Queen.

Link | Leave a comment {2} | Share

(no subject)

Dec. 29th, 2009 | 11:23 pm

So, I didn't mention this on here at the time, but some of you who I regularly talk to may remember the trouble going on with my younger brother a few months ago. Namely, how he couldn't go to college because we couldn't come up with the money. It was not a happy time, and I was really upset, because Tyler is just...so fucking smart, and I knew he would do well. I knew that if he just got away from my parents who regularly tell him what a dumb shit he is, he would do fine.

You might also remember that it got resolved when we finally managed to get enough in student loans--after much begging, pleading, and consolidation of some of our debts. Tyler was able to go to Campbell University, where he wanted to go, and pursue his goal of getting a pharmacy degree. He was so excited. He knew the same thing I did.

Well, there's another update on that. See, Tyler?

He failed out.

My brother won't be resuming studies at Campbell when their Spring Semester starts, because of his 0.00 GPA. He failed every single class. Every last one of them. Even his Worship Seminar, which meets once a week, for an hour, and has no coursework. The grade is entirely attendance. He didn't go. He spent his semester toking up and being lazy. Didn't do anything.

I have no idea what to say to him right now. My parents tore into him, of course, but now? They're just laughing it off. My dad told me all this with a smile on his face. With Tyler right there, who laughed just as much. It's like this amusing little ditty for them. And I'm just....baffled.

Normally, when Tyler does some monumentally stupid thing like this (and believe me, it happens a lot), my mom has a breakdown, throws things at him, and calls me in tears and I have to talk her through it. The woman needs the help of a damned good therapist, but she won't seek one. I mean, she burst into tears when I got put on anti-depressants, because "Oh Steven, what will people say?! You can't tell your grandmother. You can't tell her that you're unstable like this!"

My dad, meanwhile, pretends nothing is going on between them and refuses to even address that they're MIGHT be a problem. And Tyler? Tyler argues with my mom, hangs out with my dad, and calls me to tell me what a bitch our mom is being. How dare she be mad at him for blowing twenty-thousand dollars (that's half of my entire tuition, in one semester of his, by the way)? She's such a cunt!

Considering my history, I shouldn't be the most capable person in this family. I've been in therapy. I'm a suicide survivor three times over. I've run away from home more times than I can count. I get physically ill just VISITING my parents' hometown with all the bad memories there. I don't remember much of my life before I went to UNC, because it hurts too much. I'm a manic-depressive obsessive-compulsive who overreacts to every single thing in my life, and I'm the most capable person in my family. How is this even possible?

Tyler is hurting, so I'm trying to be supportive. Everyone else is too busy ignoring the issue to do or say anything, and he needs someone. But I don't know how supportive I can really be, when that might be the problem.

'Cause really, the biggest issue he has? Is that he's lazy. He took the ASVAB test (an exam used to sorta place people in the military--more determing a recruit's potential limits than deciding where they'll be and what they'll be doing) a few weeks ago, since he's considering going into the service now.

He scored a 95%. And for those of you who don't really know what that means, your ASVAB score is less reflective of your isolated performance than of your performance compared. A 95% means you performed better than 95% of 18-23 year olds taking the test in the entire nation.

He's so smart, and so lazy, that I just want to shake him. And if I knew it would help, that's probably what I'd do. It might be something I need to try. He looks at me as more of a parent than our actual mom and dad, so maybe if I finally stop being supportive, he'll learn.

But I don't know. I don't want to do to him what our parents did to me. My dad refused to acknowledge I existed until I was seventeen, and my mom threw pots and pans at me if I scored a B on a test. I don't want to do that to Tyler. Especially when I don't think that he has to go to college to be a success. Lots of people don't. The university system isn't for everyone, and I know that. Hell, I have a bachelor's degree, and I have a shitty job I hate, while a friend of mine is a college dropout who's an executive chef at a restaurant.

I'm just afraid this will keep happening. He'll do something, then give up when it requires the slightest bit of work. And I'm scared I've fucked him up just as much as our parents have by being supportive.

I can't rescue him anymore, and he's not equipped to be an adult.

Link | Leave a comment {3} | Share

(no subject)

Dec. 27th, 2009 | 11:05 pm

Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.

Then have my lips the sin that they have took?

Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.

You kiss by the book.

Hmmm. It's nice to feel this way.

Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share

(no subject)

Dec. 23rd, 2009 | 11:25 pm

There are few things better than locking yourself in the office at work, in hysterics, typing up your two weeks notice, printing it, finishing the rest of your work, getting halfway home and then going back for it after talking yourself out of quitting, and now having it sitting in your car. Just waiting.

Um. If I e-mailed my resume to some of y'all, and you know of anybody who'd be willing to look at it, would you be willing to pass it on? I don't know how much longer I'm going to make it like this.

Link | Leave a comment {2} | Share