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Back from the dead?

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Dec. 29th, 2010 | 11:24 am

Oh, hi. There you are.

'Cause clearly, you all have been the ones hiding. Not me.

Things in my life are...things. I suppose. Some are good, some are bad--just life. I'm happy, at least, and that's what matters. Things aren't perfect, and some of the big positives that others see are negatives in my mind, but for now, I'm okay.

Life in Asheville is basically amazing. Being able to walk to some of my favourite restaurants. Having vegetarian or vegan options anywhere I go, so I can always eat something, has been ridiculously amazing. Being able to purchase a lot of items made right here, and being a part of this community...It's what I needed. It's home, honestly. I'm even (slowly) making friends. I couldn't ask for a better place to live and be right now.

Jon...is gone. From my life entirely. This upsets him, as he really wants to be my friend. I don't give a shit about what he wants, though. It took getting out of the relationship to realize how abusive it was--I haven't had random crying fits, huddled in a corner and shaking because I'm not good enough since it ended. I don't have the ever-present feeling that I'm only there to teach him, and he's already looking for the next thing. I don't have the feeling that I'm too fat to be attractive. I don't have the feeling that I'm not actually worth his time. These were all feelings I had constantly with him, that he always brushed off as my self-esteem issues and being crazy. Then he finally revealed they were all true.

Though I weigh a hundred pounds less than he does, I was too fat for him to be attracted to me. Though I've lost 40 pounds since meeting him and he's gained 20, I wasn't trying hard enough to lose weight like he was. I asked too much of him, for him to start growing up and thinking about how his actions affect other people, and why should he bother when he's not attracted to me anyway? He always kept thinking how he could do better, so why should he settle?

When he finally came to pick up the last of his stuff (he gave me a dresser his grandfather built when I moved up here, so I couldn't mail it back), he asked when we would ever start talking again. I told him that I didn't know, maybe never, and he needed to just accept that.

We've spoken once, since. He asked me for the e-mail address of a guy he wanted to fuck. I didn't hate him before--I just thought he was a child. Now, I think he's a childish asshole. It's comforting to know that should any of my friends ever see him, he will very much live to regret it. And that his mom sent me a really sweet condolences card telling me that she was sorry for how things went with us, and she hoped I found someone one day who treated me the way I deserved. His sister wasn't speaking with him last I heard, as she was in her own abusive relationship and called Jon out on the hypocrisy of his hating her abusive ex.

The job is good. Just scary. I'm currently piloting an online competency program which is already getting national attention, and there's a good chance that, in a few years, I'll be actually running the whole program for the nation. It's a terrifying kind of success. Especially since everyone keeps reminding me what a great opportunity it is, and I keep seeing how much I don't want it.

The more I read in the news, the more defeated I feel. I'm ecstatic that DADT has been repealed, but with politics being what they are anymore...I don't feel safe here. I'm honestly making plans to get over to Europe someday, to actually escape. But I don't know how well I'll be able to do that if I'm this involved with the US Federal Government (since I work for the Department of Veteran Affairs). I just don't feel safe or comfortable living here, and working for the government. I don't honestly know what to do.

But still, life is good. These are good problems to have, honestly. I actually opened up to someone and fell in love, and had my heartbroken--but at least I was able to be heartbroken. I actually loved him, and that's a good feeling. I'm worried about my job's future, but I'm not scared it won't have one. My bills are being paid on-time, which is a new and exciting experience. Sure, some weeks are still PB&J for lunch and pasta for dinner, but that's okay. Some weeks are grilled yuca and mock-chicken salad. This week is chili, roasted brussel sprouts and a potpie. I'm doing all right.

Nothing's perfect. But I'm not just content here--I'm happy. It's nice.

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Comments {4}

Lady Doom

(no subject)

from: lithera
date: Dec. 29th, 2010 05:02 pm (UTC)


I'm glad you're out of that relationship, sweetheart. And there are places in this country that aren't as crazy and are safer. You can head to Europe if you want to, far be it from em to say anything against going to Europe but just know there would be places without immigration forms that would be delighted to have you.

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Turning the Schmaltz up to 11

(no subject)

from: pullthestars
date: Dec. 29th, 2010 09:17 pm (UTC)

*hughughughug* Hi there, bb. It's been awhile!

I am glad that you are out of the abusive relationship; you are a beautiful and wonderful human being, and deserve nothing but the best.

And you could totally come and live with us. :D

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(no subject)

from: alryssa
date: Dec. 29th, 2010 11:41 pm (UTC)

I'm sorry the relationship didn't go well - but I -am- glad you're out of it, and that you're happy. That's what matters.

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The fucking YARN FAIRY!

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from: mac_arthur_park
date: Dec. 30th, 2010 02:39 pm (UTC)

I had no idea things were that bad. I'm glad you're out of it--you deserve so much better.

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